Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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