and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Cover your peen. We're going out.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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