We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
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