Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
