Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
