If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
