im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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