do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
My cat gives me a boner
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
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My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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