My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Randomize
