i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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