Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Randomize
