people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
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