I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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