Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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