im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
