Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
