Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Randomize
