Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Randomize
