he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
All the doctor said was why
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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