After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
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