i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
this boner is exhausting
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
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