Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
