A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Randomize
