"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Randomize
