i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
This house was built for laser tag.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
