so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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