i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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