we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
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sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
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My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
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