I cannot find my penis.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
