everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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