we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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