dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Randomize
