Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Randomize
