he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
