Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
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