Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
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