Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
