i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
