well I can't set my house on fire every night
My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
