What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
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