You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
