if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
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