there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
