Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I am one with the molecules
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
