the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
We got so high we made milksteak
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
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He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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