I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Randomize
