The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
I wish there were birth control emojis
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
