I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
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