He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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