I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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