Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
