had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
