I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Randomize
