my room smells like sperm. sweet.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
Randomize
