I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
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