Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
