sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Randomize
