after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
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