Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
