i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Randomize
