then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
well most of my day revolves around power hour
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Randomize
