Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
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