Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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