I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
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