my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
